Being Yourself in a Relationship

and what not to do

I remember the beginning stages of my relationship I was a highly anxious individual but I didn’t really think I was when I was in it.

In my head I told myself, “I’m doing the work!”

Because I had a 4 hour morning routine (lol).

I thought because I was engaged in alllll my tools 🛠️ that it automatically meant I was doing the work and that I was “good”.

I was journaling, reading personal development books, listening to personal development podcasts, I had a sturdy hypnosis + EFT practice. I was engaged with healing my sexual trauma through womb healing and yoni work. I had a mental health coach who is now a doctor.

So when I was being a brat, being anxious, or getting triggered I didn’t see this as me being in the wrong. I thought I was just “being in myself” because the thing is - my anxious state WAS my primary state.

Anxiety is soo0o0o tricky because when your main essence is attuned to anxiety it doesn’t actually feel like that prickly anxiety so you think you’re “not” anxious. but instead it leaks out in controlling mechanisms. You try to control your partner so you feel better. But you don’t even really know you’re doing that!

When I got triggered I thought I had to sit my boyfriend down and talk to him about aaaaallllllllll my trauma and explain why I was the way I was.

I was that girl that sent the weaponized self awareness texts messages non stop ⇣⇣⇣⇣

Copying and pasting from an old article an example of weaponized self aware texts:

I need you to understand that when you disappear emotionally and then act confused when I pull back, that is not “needing space.” That is avoidance. And I’m not available for a dynamic where I have to beg for basic emotional presence and then be made to feel “too much” because I noticed the distance.You keep framing my reaction as the problem, but my nervous system is responding to inconsistency. I’m not dysregulated out of nowhere..I’m responding to the fact that your words and your behavior do not match

໒( , ⊙ Ĺ̯ ⊙ , )७

Or

I think what’s happening here is that you’re confusing my standards with an attack. I’m not attacking you. I’m naming a pattern. You say you want a peaceful relationship, but what you actually seem to want is a relationship where I suppress my feelings so you never have to confront the impact of your behavior. And I need you to know that “I’m sorry you feel that way” is not accountability.

༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽

And to me, this isn’t even really self awareness. Because if you were genuinely self aware you would see that these text messages are controlling and you’re using your trauma and “intelligence” to get a reaction.

On the outside I was doing all the work! I was doing all the right things! I had outside help. I had a lengthy morning routine. I didn’t leave the house until I used my tools. I was obsessed with personal development.

But nothing was changing.

I would get triggered then send him texts like the above ⇡⇡ while he was working his 9-5.

It got so bad where he straight up told me I could not text him anymore while he was at work ⋌༼ •̀ ⌂ •́ ༽⋋

I’m not joking, it was daily messages like that.

I really believed lengthy sit down chats was the way to become an embodied couple or that I really needed to communicate and always express my needs and make sure he was meeting them all the time. I felt like if we weren’t having serious conversations then something was wrong because that is what self aware embodied aligned couples do. We can’t just be riding the surface. We need to be going deep all the time. We need to be talking about our future all the time. We need to be talking about our past traumas all the time. We have to dissect why we are behaving the way we are all the time.

I am even exhausted of myself just typing this out and remembering it all.

🤣

I was constantly working on myself.

We were constantly having serious conversations and sit down chats.

and again, nothing was changing.

So then my mind went into:

well! it must be him!

he’s not spiritual enough.

he’s not doing the work like I am doing the work.

he’s not as emotionally aware as I am.

he’s not as emotionally intelligent as I am.

he’s the issue.

cue to become hyper-vigilant over every little action he took

then I started to monitor how much he drinks. then I started to monitor how much he hangs out with friends. then I started to monitor if he listens to podcasts I send him or not. I became sober when I met him (not because I was an addict but because I thought it was the spiritual thing to do). I was also vegan and had been for years when we met. so now I started to judge him and wonder if we can even be together because he likes steak and likes having a beer and watching football sometimes.

I thought there was no way a sober vegan spiritual self aware goddess like me could date someone who gasps has a beer sometimes and gasps watches football sometimes.

I was insufferable for the first 2.5 years of our relationship 🫠

Then I had my Saturn Return ༛𖦹🪐 (he did too!) we both went through our Saturn Return’s together.

and for the first time I saw everything clearly ♡♡

Maybe it was a mix of my front lobe finally developing 𖦹 a mix of being in my Saturn return 𖦹 and a mix of being sick and tired of my own bullshit 𖦹𖦹𖦹𖦹

because my life was riddled with seriousness too.

I was hyper-vigilant over everything. I judged everyone. It wasn’t just our relationship. I couldn’t have 1 drink without feeling immense guilt and shame. I couldn’t eat fun foods without immense guilt and shame. I couldn’t let go of my morning routine that made me stay in for the first 4 hours of my day. like i “had” to do it to feel good.

At this time (2022) I had been listening to Abraham Hicks since 2016!! I would listen to their words and sorta get it but also not really. I remember the exact moment, I was driving my jeep down our dirt road listening to Abraham Hicks in 2022 and I had this wave of clarity hit me…..

IT’S NOT THAT SERIOUS ✩✩✩✩✩

THE POINT OF LIFE IS TO FEEL GOOD AND HAVE FUN ✩𖦹༛✩𖦹༛

And it was like from that 1 moment forward I was forever changed.

Right after I had this insane clarity wash over me…

We left to travel Europe for 2 months.

And that was the first time I EVER had fun That was the first time I EVER genuinely enjoyed food and wine. I cried at every meal because I was so grateful. It was the first time I liked myself.

And during this trip is when THESE teachings (what I am writing now) was downloaded to me and I filled up a whole notebook with insights which turned into this blog…

I spent the rest of the Summer once we got back from Europe leaning deep into what I believe to be true ♡ writing for hours every single morning ♡ genuinely enjoying life ♡ making art ♡ prioritizing being cute ♡ and not taking life so serious anymore.

It was the first time I felt self love ♥︎

True self love.

Not the personal development kind.

Like messy raw self love.

I felt Unleashed ✧ Wild ✧ UNpure ✧ And it felt so fucking good 😭

Since that moment in my Jeep I have been more or less talking about the same things on repeat on my social media and blog.

I made such a drastic shift basically……instantaneously.

♥︎ I felt deeply connected to my creative energy.

♥︎ My sex life enhanced x100000000.

♥︎ my romantic relationship turned into a whole new relationship lol.

♥︎ I never struggled with acne EVER again.

♥︎ And I now financially support myself from my art and passions. I haven’t had to have a normal job since this chapter.

I made a SERIOUS commitment from that point forward….

NO more personal development.

NO reading up on astrology transits.

NO more living by my human design.

Mute all coaches and health pages.

It was a conscious choice!

I focused in on ART ★ CREATIVITY ★ WRITING ★ VANITY ★ enhancing my physical beauty ★ getting coffee high and writing for hours every day ★ reading fiction books ★ letting myself finally watch netflix ★

I’ve never felt more spiritually aligned. I am not spiritually aligned through actions.

I took fulllllll responsibility for everything I attractd into my life (this was the hard part but it got easier).

I stopped forcing my man to go deep, I stopped needing him to be spiritual, I stopped having these sit down chats….

I focused on myself and my art. I took my own creativity seriously.

I removed the focus from my relationship.

And I am sooo happy for it!

And naturally…..my man became deep, spiritual, he’s into signs and he meditates, we talk about insights and concepts…. He understands my psychic ass self.

He owns up to his mistakes and takes accountability. He meets alllll my needs without me ever having to say something about it….

So yes I will continue to be a light house and share exactly what I’ve been on about for four fucking years lol.

And it’s just now really taking off (which is so funny to me).

At first I was getting nods and some people waking up to what I was saying but nothing was really clicking.

Then I just kept at it.

And I am finalllllllly getting known for my mind 🤣 everything is coming together now. My instagram is continuing to grow (almost 6,000 new followers in a couple months). Lots of sales. lots of comments and engagement for example.

Anyways - point is……

★ BOYS ARE FOR FUN

★ GO DEEP WITH YOUR ART

★ YOU’RE NOT INSECURE, YOU’RE BORED.

★ IT’S NOT THAT SERIOUS.

★ LIFE IS FOR FUNNNN AND FEEEEELING GOOOOD.

in love and upward spirals!!!!!

SAMMi

🍰🫧

Ps - a fun side note. I can eat gluten again (after thinking I was gluten intolerant). I can drink and feel amazing the next day and be motivated and have a hard workout. I can eat dessert and feel amazing. The only time food or alcohol negatively impacts me is when I eat or drink if I am in a bad mood, stressing about what I am eating or drinking, or overstimulated. But when I am regulated, happy, in flow, at ease with myself….nothing touches me - it only adds joy to my life